@cervixsmash: I'm gonna name my firstborn “arial” and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”

@TheToddWilliams: "I set all the cattle free." - Reverse Cowgirl

@DaddyJew: Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again. Sweet.

@ceejoyner: I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

@BlindChow: No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries