@valenty__: Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."

@TheSchnizzy: Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume

@sumpeoplelikeit: If you have a tattoo on your head, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

@Branka_R: My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...

@iamspacegirl: if squids were land animals sometimes you'd be walking along and you'd look up and BAM squid in a tree