Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Can’t stop laughing
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.