First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You Might Also Like
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…