“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.