Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
No. He’s not coming out to play
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Mountain Goat : )
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.