That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.