Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Hell yeah 👍
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub