@imdaintyaf: Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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@ProdigyNelson: Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: …okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in
@Mr_Kapowski: My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter Don't wake us up early on the weekend and we won't abandon you in a mall
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho