Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
You Might Also Like
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.