STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing