@SaveItForFest: STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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@whatmaddness: Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
@TheKenyan_: Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I'm left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating?
@SamTR7: *Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind* ✘ Fly ✘ Breathe fire ✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
@therealeatwood: ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works ME: ow owwww