“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
🙀🙀🙀😹
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u