Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.