@IGotsSmarts: "Stop pointing at my daughter!" - Kanye West yells at a compass.
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@chimneyspotter: DR: Are you sexually active? ME: Very DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn't count ME: Still yes DR: Neither do croissants ME: Then no
@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: The gal in front of me on this flight didn't enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.