Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
An odd boast
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table