Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
when revenge coincides with naptime
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.