It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
You Might Also Like
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me sliding into hell like
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.