Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭