#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Yes, this is exactly right
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school