Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
October already? What’s next? November????
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice