The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa