Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.