Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!