Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S