*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Sponch