Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.