Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)