*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.