Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
You Might Also Like
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
checking out some reviews of my local library
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?