old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread