Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I hate when that happens.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation