Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.