@indiedaylie: Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
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@WildeThingy: Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one's knowledge or competence. Or, as I call it, tweeting.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
@Blonde4Dayz: The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield. Day. Made.