@indiedaylie: Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
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@iamspacegirl: [watching our kid play at the park] ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds! [we smile]
@TweetPotato314: Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
@danwlin: 12:00am - Government shuts down 12:01am - Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again 12:02am - All student loan balances go to zero 12:03am - It is now legal to marry marijuana 12:04am - Tide Pods become sentient