[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Message from the dog groomers
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes