*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how