Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”