Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I have two kinds of followers
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up