I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos