[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!