[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.