[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it