Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”