Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺