Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”