Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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our love story in four pictures
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.