Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize