@Iwriteforcats: Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty" -me as a hypnotist

@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

@KentWGraham: How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

@reczit: Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.