Strangers have the best candy.
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I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.