“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
incredible book dedication
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”