[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.