11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
also my go-to takeaway order
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.