@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@SteveSackington: Look, all I'm saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@LuvPug: "So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother

@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.

@BoogTweets: (Creating Atheists) God: Make some humans Sciencey Angel: Will they believe in you? God: No, but they'll be so surprised when we meet!