@PoliticallyILL1: I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
@samalmightysam: - Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
- Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
@thenatewolf: J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your...
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
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