*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My therapist after every session
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!