@PoliticallyILL1: I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

@samalmightysam: - Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup? - Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@thenatewolf: J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.

@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!