*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
pat pat
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*