*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.