*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks