@GrantTanaka: *strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying "Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles"
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@Not_a_JesusGirl: There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
@UncleDuke1969: My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
@Ristolable: Me at 20: I'm smarter than everyone in the world Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station